[ Juniper doesn't say anything to him for a long time, longer than it reasonably takes to read everything he's just sent her. She doesn't like it. She doesn't like how many things in there strike a painfully familiar chord with her. ]
like you're screaming yourself raw even though no sound comes out
[ Nope, nevermind, too personal, he doesn't get to have her story, and she immediately regrets giving him even that. ]
mistletoe, too before you got to me, i'd been cursed by the mistletoe i hurt someone, too but only after he told me yes, and meant it and after i told him yes, and meant it
[ Noted, viscerally noted, but he knows better than to pry at that scab. ]
Mistletoe wasn't so bad. Ran into that before... what happened the garland was worse
I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't mean to hurt you. I think with the way this city's been... I think we haven't seen everything it's capable of and it's not just me that's susceptible to it, it's everyone It's just That time it was me, and it was you And because of What I am It's worse Harder to stop, harder to get away for the people unfortunate enough to be around me at the time Even if I don't mean to be, I'm a risk. I know that. I don't know how to stop being a risk, I don't think there's a way to make myself immune to what this place does or I would
But if it does happen to you again with someone else With one of the other people like me, or worse I can try to stop it That's the only thing I can think of that might help
[ maybe he wasn't strong enough to stop because he's already inherently broken, dark and filed down to a sharp point, coated in violence in the places that should be strong and light.
it wouldn't surprise him. ]
enhanced people who are strong, hard to stop alone or maybe just people who answer the call too easily too
I don't know, some are from my home some I met here, from other worlds
as far as I know, they only lose control when the city makes them tumenalia the garland it's not it's not a disease, or a trait, or a common thing, where we're from it's not like that
[ He's making it worse. She knows he's right, that she shouldn't be shocked to hear of people here who are enhanced in ways she doesn't understand, but god, all of this is just- a lot. It's a lot. ]
so, does that mean that the only place i am allowed to feel safe is locked in my room
[ Someone is not, and has not been, handling this and the paranoia that's been following her ever since very well. ]
I look, I seriously don't mean to scare you most of the time this place is okay but
after the shit that happened on tumenalia after the shit that happened when that weirdly attractive santa came to town the garland the people turning into beasts
realistically I don't think there's a single person in this fucking city that's safe 100% of the time this place is dangerous, and it does dangerous things to everyone in it not just me, and not just to you
stop calling him santa i don't know what that means
[ Which is so not the point or at all important, but she's kind of. Very quietly losing her shit right now, it's hard to focus, and she's getting angry with herself again. ]
i am used to danger i am supposed to be used to danger, i have spent so much time fighting and almost dying and standing up so i can fight again but i can't handle the way this place works the garland the mistletoe the violation the awful people, the colour of my mark, the violation the lies the violation why are we here why are any of us here
sorry, it's this guy who comes around in winter and gives presents to people who are good it's like a holiday thing nevermind
I'm used to danger too, a lot of it, constantly, but none of it prepared me for this I don't think anyone was prepared for this You'd have to be insane to be okay with this place I don't know why we're here I don't know what they want But you're not alone in the way you feel I feel it, and I know a lot of others who feel the same way
You're strong You seem strong strong people adapt, and they keep going, and they find a way to fix things or at the very least survive them.
[ This is the sort of thing that Juniper normally says thank you to. The reassurance, that she's not alone, that it's okay to feel the way she does, that she's not actually going crazy, and the reaffirmation that maybe she's not as weak as she thinks she is.
Only it's coming from him, so she's hesitant to even accept any of it. ]
i have survived loss i have survived being torn apart, and put back together i have survived you i have survived their stupid facility their. whatever they did to me i adapted, home i adapted, here but i am tired, too
[ No, no no no she's being too open with him again, so again she stops herself from revealing anything more. Those things are reserved, for people better than Barnes. ]
those were nice words, though i wish they hadn't come from you
[ That should be the end of that. It should. She puts her phone down for a while, too, but- after she calms down, heaven help her, she picks it back up again. Loose ends. ]
i won't try to kill you, if i see you again but i would prefer not to see you again
is that understood, too?
[ Congratulations, Barnes, you've managed to talk her down from the threat of attack on sight she'd left you with the last time you spoke. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
like you're screaming yourself raw even though no sound comes out
[ Nope, nevermind, too personal, he doesn't get to have her story, and she immediately regrets giving him even that. ]
mistletoe, too
before you got to me, i'd been cursed by the mistletoe
i hurt someone, too
but only after he told me yes, and meant it
and after i told him yes, and meant it
no subject
Mistletoe wasn't so bad. Ran into that before... what happened
the garland was
worse
I didn't want to hurt you.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I think with the way this city's been...
I think we haven't seen everything it's capable of and it's not just me that's susceptible to it, it's everyone
It's just
That time it was me, and it was you
And because of
What I am
It's worse
Harder to stop, harder to get away for the people unfortunate enough to be around me at the time
Even if I don't mean to be, I'm a risk. I know that. I don't know how to stop being a risk, I don't think there's a way to make myself immune to what this place does or I would
But if it does happen to you again with someone else
With one of the other people like me, or worse
I can try to stop it
That's the only thing I can think of that might help
no subject
that this place wants all of us to hurt each other
but that some of us
answer the call more easily than others
one of the other people like you?
no subject
[ maybe he wasn't strong enough to stop because he's already inherently broken, dark and filed down to a sharp point, coated in violence in the places that should be strong and light.
it wouldn't surprise him. ]
enhanced
people who are strong, hard to stop alone
or maybe just people who answer the call too easily too
no subject
many
of your kind, are there
and do they lose control too, the way you do?
[ Please god no ]
no subject
some I met here, from other worlds
as far as I know, they only lose control when the city makes them
tumenalia
the garland
it's not
it's not a disease, or a trait, or a common
thing, where we're from
it's not like that
no subject
so, does that mean
that the only place i am allowed to feel safe
is locked in my room
[ Someone is not, and has not been, handling this and the paranoia that's been following her ever since very well. ]
no subject
look, I seriously don't mean to scare you
most of the time this place is okay but
after the shit that happened on tumenalia
after the shit that happened when that weirdly attractive santa came to town
the garland
the people turning into beasts
realistically I don't think there's a single person in this fucking city that's safe 100% of the time
this place is dangerous, and it does dangerous things to everyone in it
not just me, and not just to you
no subject
[ Which is so not the point or at all important, but she's kind of. Very quietly losing her shit right now, it's hard to focus, and she's getting angry with herself again. ]
i am used to danger
i am supposed to be used to danger, i have spent so much time fighting and almost dying and standing up so i can fight again
but i
can't
handle the way this place works
the garland the mistletoe the violation the awful people, the colour of my mark, the violation the lies the violation
why are we here
why are any of us here
no subject
guy who comes around in winter and gives presents to people who are good it's
like a holiday thing
nevermind
I'm used to danger too, a lot of it, constantly, but none of it prepared me for this
I don't think anyone was prepared for this
You'd have to be insane to be okay with this place
I don't know why we're here
I don't know what they want
But you're not alone in the way you feel
I feel it, and I know a lot of others who feel the same way
You're strong
You seem strong
strong people adapt, and they keep going, and they find a way to fix things or at the very least survive them.
no subject
Only it's coming from him, so she's hesitant to even accept any of it. ]
i have survived loss
i have survived being torn apart, and put back together
i have survived you
i have survived their stupid facility
their. whatever they did to me
i adapted, home
i adapted, here
but i am tired, too
[ No, no no no she's being too open with him again, so again she stops herself from revealing anything more. Those things are reserved, for people better than Barnes. ]
those were nice words, though
i wish they hadn't come from you
no subject
no subject
i won't try to kill you, if i see you again
but i would prefer not to see you again
is that understood, too?
[ Congratulations, Barnes, you've managed to talk her down from the threat of attack on sight she'd left you with the last time you spoke. ]
no subject
Understood