freightcars: (I ᴍᴇᴀɴ ᴡʜᴏ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴡᴀɴɴᴀ ʜɪᴅᴇ ᴛʜɪs?)
ᴛʜᴇ ᴡɪɴᴛᴇʀ sᴏʟᴅɪᴇʀ ([personal profile] freightcars) wrote in [personal profile] falselife 2019-01-21 05:22 am (UTC)

the first time was me
I mean the source of it, it wasn't the city
before I came here, where I'm from I was
well it all came out more or less on the network when... everything happened with your friend but I'm
I was a prisoner of war, I got
Brainwashed, basically, turned into a sleeper agent
Say the right words in the right order and I
Something else takes over, it's me but it's not, it's a
Weapon, a soldier. It takes orders, I take orders and I do what I'm told to do
There was a man here who found the words
Used them on me, gave me a list
Your friend was on the list
When I'm like that, I'm not... myself, I don't
It's like who I am is trapped in a box in the back of my mind, behind a thousand walls of steel and concrete and I can't do anything to stop myself. I can't even think, I don't think, I'm not a person, I'm a tool
But it's still me, in the end
It's still me, so when it's over I remember it and I feel it and I know what I did


What happened with you was different
It was like that god damn garland was inside of me, it was like it
It was a god damn urge, it was like an addiction, it was like a burning
thing
that I couldn't stop, it was just waves on waves of need and hurt and drums all going off at once that drove out every god damn thought in my head except
that I just
needed to do that
it wasn't a choice
and at points I knew that I needed to stop, and I wanted to, and I tried, but as soon as I started pulling back it just
it's like it took over and I didn't
I don't know
There are others, other people who felt it, other people it touched that could probably explain it in a way that makes more sense. I'm sorry, it's hard to put into words.

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